My Letter To Kyra

Dear Kyra,
I love you soooooo much... You are my best friend! We have been through so much together... From birth... to breastfeeding... pumping... going back to work and school... crawling... learning to walk... self-feeding... talking... late nights and early mornings... weaning...soymilk, baby food and then table food... reading stories... going to the parks and malls and movies and arcades and chuckie cheese... buying you ice cream and cupcakes and soda and pretzels... buying you clothes and shoes and swimsuits and tights and barretts.... braiding and twisting and curling and pressing and blow drying and flat ironing your hair... taking you to church... to play dates ... to preschool... to daycare.. to friends houses... to family's houses... to rehearsals... to performances... to the studio... to concerts...to Sacramento...EVERYWHERE! And I want to say THANK YOU for all of it... For every moment I have had with you... You mean the world to me... I realize that you have been here for me through all of my failed relationships, and through my college life and friendships and music and church... you have seen me grow up and become a real mommy to you... you have seen me cry, laugh, jump, hop and skip... you have seen me get on a plane... you have driven with me to far places... gotten carsick, sang laughed danced clapped and sang my songs at the top of your lungs! you have lived with me at Gran NeNe's, in my rent-a-room houses twice, then in our own apartments... you have shared your space, time and attention with friends of mine, with your aunties and uncles, with boyfriends, with roommates and with house guests for rehearsals, game nights and bible discussions and studies...you have stayed up late while i did homework, projects and waited for me to come to bed... every night that we are apart, you ask for me and try to wait for me to come home... you run to me when you see me and give me kisses and hugs... you plan things for us to do and books for us to read... you ask for me to buy you things and take you places... you ask to hangout with my friends... you ask me questions about God... you ask me when i am going to get married! lol, smile... you are an amazing little girl... so smart and full of love and life...you deserve the world and God is going to give that to you... I know that you trust Him to do that and so do I! You are the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me and without you I would be lost... you give me motivation to live and to succeed. you push me to be better and to do better... you make me strong and keep me humble... you show me myself and the things that i need to change... you also show me the good about myself and tell me you love me and need me and want me around.... what more can i ask for? you are such a pure heart and everyone that comes into contact with you is delighted by that interaction... you teacher is amazed at you and told me that you will change the world... you are always the youngest kid around, yet the tallest and most times the smartest... I love you so much and your very existence heals my soul... sometimes its hard for us and we struggle... we get mad with each other and overwhelmed and just need a break... but we always miss each other and then make up! My life revolves around you and I'm working on making sure that i get even better at making sure that you feel safe, secure and that you can trust me to always be there for you and give you the attention that you want, need and deserve... you mean the most to me and I'm so grateful to have become your mother... i love you Kyra, and thank you for being you... love, Mommy...

p.s. I just want to be a big girl and say that i am soooo sorry for all of the time attention and effort that i have sacrificed to invest in other people and relationships instead of with you... I should have put you first more than I have and i can admit that... I'm sorry for always being gone and for not spending more time with you... you deserve more of me... we are all eachother has and i have to remember that and act as such... i have made a decision to devote more of my time, love and attention to you... you deserve it and I know that we will be ok... i know that we will get through whatever struggles come our way as long as we are together... and i promise that i will try my best not to let you down... i love you Kyra... supremely and with all my heart!

Following My Heart

I realize so many things about myself that I have never realized before now... One thing that I am now aware of more so than ever before, is that I work hard to be strong.... Stronger than everyone around me... stronger than my fears, stronger than my tears and YES even stronger than my own emotions... But that tactic and protection technique hasn't ever worked so strongly against me up until now... This is the first time in my life that I have resorted to my usual "stronger than myself" measure and it has backfired... So I am going to try something new.... this is all because I am tired of getting the same result... I want a different result than last time... and the time before that... and the time before that... I deserve a different outcome this time... My daughter deserves a different outcome... And I deserve to be able to finally trust and love truly and let my guard down and feel protected... Well, the honest truth is that HE makes me feel safe and I do trust him... and loving him is like breathing to me... sometimes i think of him and i start to cry tears of joy because of the fact that i even know & love him and because i know that he loves me too... But when problems arise, i tend to run for cover and try to outsmart my emotions.... As a protection measure, I try to cut the ties before I am the one who gets the AX... I try to outrun my emotions and push them aside, in order to be "strong" or smart.... But i end up hurt and more damaged than before.... Well, for the first time, someone has demanded of me to STOP trying to be so smart and strong and protective of myself... And i feel that God is telling me to be strong and to follow my heart... That doesn't mean that I won't possibly get hurt or that everything will be peaches and butterflies from here on out...but it does mean that I will be happy because I will finally be giving in to my emotions versus fighting them... The real stress is in fighting my own natural nature which is loving and emotional... But there are serious walls that I have constructed in order to keep intruders out... This way, when things don't pan out, I am able to freely and truly move on past it unscathed... Wellllllll HE has changed all that. I already know that this isn't a fly by night situation.... my heart tells me so... so I am gonna let go and let God handle it... but in the meantime, I am going to follow my heart and love freely and completely because that's what I truly want to do.... So cheers to me, I am now officially following my heart...

My Journey to a PURE and CLEAN life in Christ

I somehow acquired a book titled, "Pure Heart" By: Shellie R. Warren a while back. I believe that at the time I was in a relationship. I wanted to begin my journey towards consecration and purity sexually. However, because of the fact that I was able to partake in sinful sexual activity on a regular basis, I wasn't convicted. So I read the first Chapter and put the book aside. I didn't rediscover it again until about 9 - 10 months later. By this time, the relationship has ended and I am forced to leave my own place due to making a financial sacrifice within that relationship in which I was cheated on throughout the entire relationship. Now the Guy has a new baby due very soon with the other girl and he made me and my daughter believe that he wanted to be there for her. Well God tried to warn me, but I didn't listen! Therefore here I am picking up the pieces. AGAIN.... smh. Anyways, As I said before, i re-discovered the book this week and began reading it again. *SIDEBAR ( a few months ago now, I became very frustrated and fed-up with the relationships that I have had... Also I became very annoyed at the superficial connections that I had been making with guys who never seemed to have any intention of marriage or of being a father figure to my daughter... I started to resent those around me who seemed to have happy healthy relationships. I even started to resent those who had completely dysfunctional relationships simply because of the fact that though they may be dysfunctional, they still had a relationship. Then God convicted me and showed me that all I had to do in order to experience real love His way, was to go back to basics. basics for me meant, stop talking, stop dating, stop sexing, stop kissing, stop touching, stop giving chances to guys whom I knew weren't in my spiritual league and let God handle it... Since then, it has been difficult to say the least because guys from the past have tried to make comebacks, and new guys that instantly encourage lust within me have decided to pursue me... And yet, I have remained steadfast. However, I can't take credit for that. This, I believe is simply due to the fact that I am not in a relationship, nor have I been put into a situation where I had to make a decision about how far i will go sexually. Knowing this about myself, I began to grow a bit worried and began praying desperately for God to transform me and remove the taste on sexual immorality from my mouth. However, this isn't enough to make the transition, and while I knew that, what i didn't know was exactly how to close that gap. So at church we have a bookstore and i decided to purchase a workbook simply called "Boundaries". I personally struggle with implementing boundaries in all aspects of my life. So I figured that would be a good place to start. However, unfortunately the workbook was the companion to another book, which my bookstore didn't offer. Well so much for that I thought... So I shelved the workbook and continued to pray. Then one day this week, i stumbled across this book again. I immediately started to read it and was amazed at what I read... it was EXACTLY what I had been needing to hear and read... it actually correlated almost verbatim with this series that my Pastor had just concluded at church. There are scripture references all up and throughout the book too! I was thrilled.... Since then I have read two chapters and they alone have made me want to jump up and down and shout out to the world that the road to purity is very easy and simple if only we would DECIDED that we want to flee sexual immorality! But those around me don't seem to be as excited as I am... So i realize that i just want someone to share this knowledge with... To discuss these things with. But, I guess I might be in a place where I have to allow God to bring that someone into my life. So I am gonna be content to allow Him to handle that. But in the meantime, I figured that I would keep a journal so that I could vent about things throughout this journey. I figure what better way to do so than to put it here where no one ever looks? So here it is... Journal entry #1... I know that God will allow me to be victorious with no slip=ups because that is what I am committed to do... I'm tired of the emptiness that I have continued to feel for so long. I am tired of going without real love... So i am changing everything, even my diet in order to allow God to re-work my life into what He wants it to be!

God Is So Good!

At times like these I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the things that God does... I know that I fall short very often... But I can see even in the midst of my struggles or trials, He is still good... What I perceive to be a trial, is just a lesson that God is giving me so that when he elevates me to my next level in life, I will be able to handle and appreciate it! There are many of these light bulb moments and as I look at my earlier blogs, I realize that I haven't acknowledged God for all of the many blessings that He has given to me.... I originally created this blog as a venting tool for me to express my innermost thoughts and feelings...And it has been instrumental in serving that purpose... but life for me is not simply filled with doubts and dissapointments, it is very joyful even though I have my fears... But God is growing me up and I feel that He is continuing to prepare me for the family that I long for so much... I realize that without the unshakeable faith and trust in God that is required for me to have a beautiful and healthy relationship with God, I can't foster and nourish a successful relationship with any man... So God has been putting my faith and trust in Him to the test in ways that I never imagined He would... And it has been refining me and stretching me! I know that I still have so far to go, but I claim every blessing that God has for me and I am amazed at how far God has taken me at the tender age of 22... I am so glad to have the blessings that I do have.... Which is my remarkable family and friends and church family... I have everything that i need to provide my daughter a comfortable life... So I AM SOOOOO BLESSED exceedingly and abundantly blessed.... I am so happy and I thank God for this joy i feel because this world didn't give it to me, therefore this world should not be able to take it away... It is my hope that going forward, i will hold on to my joy even in the eye of my storm, because God is still GOOD and I am so privileged to be a child of his... Hallelujah,

Kene Zyporah

Kene Zyporah/Kyra's Mama

I'm Kene Zyporah, Kyra's Mama... I watch Teen Mom faithfully and I must say that I am amazed at the drama that they go through. I know how it feels to be pregnant and alone... I have never identified with any woman or mother who has had support. That person to hold their hand or go visit the Doctor's office with them... That person to rub their growing belly or speak to/connect to the growing child inside... What I had was a volitale relationship similar to Kailyn and Jo's... More disagreements than peace... More drama than anticipation... It was so traumatic for so many reasons... But there are people around me who not only had that during their pregnancy, but who had the type of father for their child that WANTED to be around... but they WONT let him... That's crazy! Pure immaturity...Pure selfishness and a desire to maintain control... But i will say that there are two sides to EVERY story and sometimes, fathers just aren't ready to become Daddies and they would be counter-productive to the health and well-being of a child...for that reason, a mother is more than justified in protecting their child from that negative individual... Unfortunately, for me I was painted this picture of what to expect when i found out that I was going to have a baby...That picture never became a reality... Sometimes, i get so angry at what my situation is now with Kyra's father... noone has ever seen him and neither has Kyra... It hurts me so much that I have to be both Mommy and daddy... and I CANT do it... I can only be what a mommy is...I try to be balanced in general but this is a whole different type of balance... I hate that things are this way. Sometimes, I'm not sure that they will ever be different... I ponder on how i am going to accomplish raising a well-mannered, happy, and fulfilled child w/out a father... and it hits me, what if i fail? What if my daughter ends up resenting me for him not being here... I love her so much and i enjoy mothering her... I just dont want to do it alone...I want another child but I can't just go have a baby...i dont have the strength to do this again... Not this way... I want to experience a preganacy the way its supposed to be experienced... not lying alone and hurting inside... not having to look into the eyes a child that looks like the best of me and their father, only to never allow that child to behold their father's face... at this point, even if I was one of those mothers who deliberatly kept my daughter from her father (as in it was my choice), i couldnt change my mind and allow them to have relationship... He is too far gone... it was never my choice for him not be involved... He has chosen to be absentee... Which makes my heart hurt all the more... i loved him...I never tried to pish him away... and yet, he is unreacheable... he doesn't care... he refuses to make any efforts... Well I just pray for myself and for my daughter... I don't know what the purpose of this is in the bigger picture of my life or my daughter's life... But i hope that God fixes this problem because it affects me very much... I just want to be happy and have a family... I hope that God gives both of us a family one day soon... Sincerly, Kene Zyporah/Kyra's Mama

I'm Terrified

I'm terrified! There is a feeling of pure fear in my stomach... The fear of what? I think it's a culmination of things. The fear of not knowing, not seeing the way things are and should be...In my last post I discussed my utter frustrations with males and the pain of being pushed to the side all because someone isn't ready for me... Well, what about when something in you has finally given up on love and all that it has to offer... and then someone comes who is ready... ready for you... they are willing to fight and possibly lose in the battle of winning your heart. Against all odds, against your protests that you aren't ready... So how do you submit and get over the fears and the doubts...what do you do? When all you've ever dreamed of was to combine your life with another. to intergrate eachother in and start meeting eachother's family and friends...To share your moments of joy, peace and even sadness with them... But then 1 person too many screws you over and then you are FINISHED.... you are now numb and while you used to do the very things that someone is now doing for you, you can't handle it... it scares you and you are terrified of what that person might do for you... what if they begin to do the things that you have been praying and pleading for... but you can't accept it because you aren't ready? what if they are patient and kind but you just can't move away from your past in your mind? what do you? will you heal in time? or will it continue to plague your psyche until you run outta time? Look all i know is that after my last post, sumn in me snapped and now i can't even get back to where i was... i was open, ready to do and to be in a real relationship with the HE that God made for me... I was happy to get the attention from someone and I was open to allowing God to lead and guide me... Now I feel lost... Like I don't know what to do... Like I haven't a clue... Like I'm emotionally on E... There is almost nothing left inside of me... I wanna just stay to myself and not involve anyone else... I don't think that the risks are worth it anymore... I'm done: and though at times, little emotions may push through, they retract again... I can't seem to shake this spent attitude... Now i know I need time, but what about the person who has already been waiting so patiently? Allowing me to go through my ups and downs emotionally... Now its their season and i don't feel that I should proceed... This is sad and it's scaring me... I have always been able to pick up the peices and start over again... With no punishment to the newbie with which I begin something. But this time, I don't feel strong enough to begin again...I have never had this feeling before and it's so terrifying because I don't know what it means... I have to get over this... so if you're reading this, I beg of you, please pray for me... Thank you, Kene Zyporah

My Unfortunate Transparency

It's been a while since I have been on here and written anything. I have been meaning to come here and write about my thoughts and the many wonderful blessings that God has and is giving me. Unfortunately, it seems that it is only when we are sad, frustrated, mad or any other negative emotions, that we wish to speak... I am no exclusion... Therefore, I am going to write from my current place of pain and frustration...My heart is very heavy right now... The reason is because I am TRULY tired... I am worn-out...I am a person who tries very hard to make things easier on others. i also try to stay positive because at the foundation of it all, God has given me so much... But at times like these when Im crying (tears streaming down my face) it gets hard to do either of those things... This week I have done a lot of thinking about some of the choices and decisions that I have made... i SINCERLY do not enjoy heartbreak... yet, I keep experiencing it... My first thought is that itsgonna be alright because God must have a different plan for me... my second thought is that i must be the one with the problem...My next thought is what did i do to make them feel that we aren't t be together any longer? i begin examining the situation to look for shortfalls on my part... After i find them, I begin to feel guilty and wish that we could have been compatible... The final emotion is anger... I get upset at myself for putting myself in a position to feel this way for someone, only to get played. I feel that I am weak as a woman because I'm sitting here saddened and crying and dude is over it and on with life... only twice in life have i felt that someone was going through what i have emotionally after a break-up... It really hurts to feel rejected (dumped). And i hate the " it's not you, it's me" spill.... That is so lame and frustrating to hear... At the end of that day it doesnt change the fact that we aren't EVER gonna be together again... After my last relationship, I'd decided that I wasn't getting involved with anyone anymore until after a certain point in life... However, I am such a lover and my heart won't stay hardened enough to follow-thru... So since that BF i have experienced a series of prospective successful possible situations... But each time, I am told what i want to hear only to then be rejected or corrected...The correction takes place when someone gives you an impression that they want a real relationship, but then act contrary to that... or later tell you that they just wanna be alone... or that they aren't ready for a family... well if these things are the case, why even talk to me at all? look i'm sick of it and i'm HURT anew each time it happens... Just leave me alone if you have an issue with me having a baby, if you just wanna "have fun", if you just wanna "talk", if you don't want a serious relationship or if you don't wanna build a foundation with me to prepare us for marriage in a year or two from now... ALSO please DON'T try to "get at me" if you have an issue with stepping up as a man and doing for my daughter that her father doesn't... which is BE THERE and take on the role of daddy to her... bcuz guess what? she doesn't have one! and yes that breaks my heart everyday! it wasn't supposed to be like this... but it is and as usual I am left to pick up the pieces... I don't like being independant all of the time...i don't like playing mommy and daddy... i don't like being single... i don't like sleeping alone... i do these things because i have to... and i'm getting weary of it... look, its late and i'm sleepy... i just needed to get this off of my chest... try not to judge me too harshly please... goodnight..next time i will have a marvelous report of what God is doing in my life...