My Unfortunate Transparency

It's been a while since I have been on here and written anything. I have been meaning to come here and write about my thoughts and the many wonderful blessings that God has and is giving me. Unfortunately, it seems that it is only when we are sad, frustrated, mad or any other negative emotions, that we wish to speak... I am no exclusion... Therefore, I am going to write from my current place of pain and frustration...My heart is very heavy right now... The reason is because I am TRULY tired... I am worn-out...I am a person who tries very hard to make things easier on others. i also try to stay positive because at the foundation of it all, God has given me so much... But at times like these when Im crying (tears streaming down my face) it gets hard to do either of those things... This week I have done a lot of thinking about some of the choices and decisions that I have made... i SINCERLY do not enjoy heartbreak... yet, I keep experiencing it... My first thought is that itsgonna be alright because God must have a different plan for me... my second thought is that i must be the one with the problem...My next thought is what did i do to make them feel that we aren't t be together any longer? i begin examining the situation to look for shortfalls on my part... After i find them, I begin to feel guilty and wish that we could have been compatible... The final emotion is anger... I get upset at myself for putting myself in a position to feel this way for someone, only to get played. I feel that I am weak as a woman because I'm sitting here saddened and crying and dude is over it and on with life... only twice in life have i felt that someone was going through what i have emotionally after a break-up... It really hurts to feel rejected (dumped). And i hate the " it's not you, it's me" spill.... That is so lame and frustrating to hear... At the end of that day it doesnt change the fact that we aren't EVER gonna be together again... After my last relationship, I'd decided that I wasn't getting involved with anyone anymore until after a certain point in life... However, I am such a lover and my heart won't stay hardened enough to follow-thru... So since that BF i have experienced a series of prospective successful possible situations... But each time, I am told what i want to hear only to then be rejected or corrected...The correction takes place when someone gives you an impression that they want a real relationship, but then act contrary to that... or later tell you that they just wanna be alone... or that they aren't ready for a family... well if these things are the case, why even talk to me at all? look i'm sick of it and i'm HURT anew each time it happens... Just leave me alone if you have an issue with me having a baby, if you just wanna "have fun", if you just wanna "talk", if you don't want a serious relationship or if you don't wanna build a foundation with me to prepare us for marriage in a year or two from now... ALSO please DON'T try to "get at me" if you have an issue with stepping up as a man and doing for my daughter that her father doesn't... which is BE THERE and take on the role of daddy to her... bcuz guess what? she doesn't have one! and yes that breaks my heart everyday! it wasn't supposed to be like this... but it is and as usual I am left to pick up the pieces... I don't like being independant all of the time...i don't like playing mommy and daddy... i don't like being single... i don't like sleeping alone... i do these things because i have to... and i'm getting weary of it... look, its late and i'm sleepy... i just needed to get this off of my chest... try not to judge me too harshly please... goodnight..next time i will have a marvelous report of what God is doing in my life...