Following My Heart

I realize so many things about myself that I have never realized before now... One thing that I am now aware of more so than ever before, is that I work hard to be strong.... Stronger than everyone around me... stronger than my fears, stronger than my tears and YES even stronger than my own emotions... But that tactic and protection technique hasn't ever worked so strongly against me up until now... This is the first time in my life that I have resorted to my usual "stronger than myself" measure and it has backfired... So I am going to try something new.... this is all because I am tired of getting the same result... I want a different result than last time... and the time before that... and the time before that... I deserve a different outcome this time... My daughter deserves a different outcome... And I deserve to be able to finally trust and love truly and let my guard down and feel protected... Well, the honest truth is that HE makes me feel safe and I do trust him... and loving him is like breathing to me... sometimes i think of him and i start to cry tears of joy because of the fact that i even know & love him and because i know that he loves me too... But when problems arise, i tend to run for cover and try to outsmart my emotions.... As a protection measure, I try to cut the ties before I am the one who gets the AX... I try to outrun my emotions and push them aside, in order to be "strong" or smart.... But i end up hurt and more damaged than before.... Well, for the first time, someone has demanded of me to STOP trying to be so smart and strong and protective of myself... And i feel that God is telling me to be strong and to follow my heart... That doesn't mean that I won't possibly get hurt or that everything will be peaches and butterflies from here on out...but it does mean that I will be happy because I will finally be giving in to my emotions versus fighting them... The real stress is in fighting my own natural nature which is loving and emotional... But there are serious walls that I have constructed in order to keep intruders out... This way, when things don't pan out, I am able to freely and truly move on past it unscathed... Wellllllll HE has changed all that. I already know that this isn't a fly by night situation.... my heart tells me so... so I am gonna let go and let God handle it... but in the meantime, I am going to follow my heart and love freely and completely because that's what I truly want to do.... So cheers to me, I am now officially following my heart...