I'm Terrified

I'm terrified! There is a feeling of pure fear in my stomach... The fear of what? I think it's a culmination of things. The fear of not knowing, not seeing the way things are and should be...In my last post I discussed my utter frustrations with males and the pain of being pushed to the side all because someone isn't ready for me... Well, what about when something in you has finally given up on love and all that it has to offer... and then someone comes who is ready... ready for you... they are willing to fight and possibly lose in the battle of winning your heart. Against all odds, against your protests that you aren't ready... So how do you submit and get over the fears and the doubts...what do you do? When all you've ever dreamed of was to combine your life with another. to intergrate eachother in and start meeting eachother's family and friends...To share your moments of joy, peace and even sadness with them... But then 1 person too many screws you over and then you are FINISHED.... you are now numb and while you used to do the very things that someone is now doing for you, you can't handle it... it scares you and you are terrified of what that person might do for you... what if they begin to do the things that you have been praying and pleading for... but you can't accept it because you aren't ready? what if they are patient and kind but you just can't move away from your past in your mind? what do you? will you heal in time? or will it continue to plague your psyche until you run outta time? Look all i know is that after my last post, sumn in me snapped and now i can't even get back to where i was... i was open, ready to do and to be in a real relationship with the HE that God made for me... I was happy to get the attention from someone and I was open to allowing God to lead and guide me... Now I feel lost... Like I don't know what to do... Like I haven't a clue... Like I'm emotionally on E... There is almost nothing left inside of me... I wanna just stay to myself and not involve anyone else... I don't think that the risks are worth it anymore... I'm done: and though at times, little emotions may push through, they retract again... I can't seem to shake this spent attitude... Now i know I need time, but what about the person who has already been waiting so patiently? Allowing me to go through my ups and downs emotionally... Now its their season and i don't feel that I should proceed... This is sad and it's scaring me... I have always been able to pick up the peices and start over again... With no punishment to the newbie with which I begin something. But this time, I don't feel strong enough to begin again...I have never had this feeling before and it's so terrifying because I don't know what it means... I have to get over this... so if you're reading this, I beg of you, please pray for me... Thank you, Kene Zyporah

My Unfortunate Transparency

It's been a while since I have been on here and written anything. I have been meaning to come here and write about my thoughts and the many wonderful blessings that God has and is giving me. Unfortunately, it seems that it is only when we are sad, frustrated, mad or any other negative emotions, that we wish to speak... I am no exclusion... Therefore, I am going to write from my current place of pain and frustration...My heart is very heavy right now... The reason is because I am TRULY tired... I am worn-out...I am a person who tries very hard to make things easier on others. i also try to stay positive because at the foundation of it all, God has given me so much... But at times like these when Im crying (tears streaming down my face) it gets hard to do either of those things... This week I have done a lot of thinking about some of the choices and decisions that I have made... i SINCERLY do not enjoy heartbreak... yet, I keep experiencing it... My first thought is that itsgonna be alright because God must have a different plan for me... my second thought is that i must be the one with the problem...My next thought is what did i do to make them feel that we aren't t be together any longer? i begin examining the situation to look for shortfalls on my part... After i find them, I begin to feel guilty and wish that we could have been compatible... The final emotion is anger... I get upset at myself for putting myself in a position to feel this way for someone, only to get played. I feel that I am weak as a woman because I'm sitting here saddened and crying and dude is over it and on with life... only twice in life have i felt that someone was going through what i have emotionally after a break-up... It really hurts to feel rejected (dumped). And i hate the " it's not you, it's me" spill.... That is so lame and frustrating to hear... At the end of that day it doesnt change the fact that we aren't EVER gonna be together again... After my last relationship, I'd decided that I wasn't getting involved with anyone anymore until after a certain point in life... However, I am such a lover and my heart won't stay hardened enough to follow-thru... So since that BF i have experienced a series of prospective successful possible situations... But each time, I am told what i want to hear only to then be rejected or corrected...The correction takes place when someone gives you an impression that they want a real relationship, but then act contrary to that... or later tell you that they just wanna be alone... or that they aren't ready for a family... well if these things are the case, why even talk to me at all? look i'm sick of it and i'm HURT anew each time it happens... Just leave me alone if you have an issue with me having a baby, if you just wanna "have fun", if you just wanna "talk", if you don't want a serious relationship or if you don't wanna build a foundation with me to prepare us for marriage in a year or two from now... ALSO please DON'T try to "get at me" if you have an issue with stepping up as a man and doing for my daughter that her father doesn't... which is BE THERE and take on the role of daddy to her... bcuz guess what? she doesn't have one! and yes that breaks my heart everyday! it wasn't supposed to be like this... but it is and as usual I am left to pick up the pieces... I don't like being independant all of the time...i don't like playing mommy and daddy... i don't like being single... i don't like sleeping alone... i do these things because i have to... and i'm getting weary of it... look, its late and i'm sleepy... i just needed to get this off of my chest... try not to judge me too harshly please... goodnight..next time i will have a marvelous report of what God is doing in my life...