My Journey to a PURE and CLEAN life in Christ

I somehow acquired a book titled, "Pure Heart" By: Shellie R. Warren a while back. I believe that at the time I was in a relationship. I wanted to begin my journey towards consecration and purity sexually. However, because of the fact that I was able to partake in sinful sexual activity on a regular basis, I wasn't convicted. So I read the first Chapter and put the book aside. I didn't rediscover it again until about 9 - 10 months later. By this time, the relationship has ended and I am forced to leave my own place due to making a financial sacrifice within that relationship in which I was cheated on throughout the entire relationship. Now the Guy has a new baby due very soon with the other girl and he made me and my daughter believe that he wanted to be there for her. Well God tried to warn me, but I didn't listen! Therefore here I am picking up the pieces. AGAIN.... smh. Anyways, As I said before, i re-discovered the book this week and began reading it again. *SIDEBAR ( a few months ago now, I became very frustrated and fed-up with the relationships that I have had... Also I became very annoyed at the superficial connections that I had been making with guys who never seemed to have any intention of marriage or of being a father figure to my daughter... I started to resent those around me who seemed to have happy healthy relationships. I even started to resent those who had completely dysfunctional relationships simply because of the fact that though they may be dysfunctional, they still had a relationship. Then God convicted me and showed me that all I had to do in order to experience real love His way, was to go back to basics. basics for me meant, stop talking, stop dating, stop sexing, stop kissing, stop touching, stop giving chances to guys whom I knew weren't in my spiritual league and let God handle it... Since then, it has been difficult to say the least because guys from the past have tried to make comebacks, and new guys that instantly encourage lust within me have decided to pursue me... And yet, I have remained steadfast. However, I can't take credit for that. This, I believe is simply due to the fact that I am not in a relationship, nor have I been put into a situation where I had to make a decision about how far i will go sexually. Knowing this about myself, I began to grow a bit worried and began praying desperately for God to transform me and remove the taste on sexual immorality from my mouth. However, this isn't enough to make the transition, and while I knew that, what i didn't know was exactly how to close that gap. So at church we have a bookstore and i decided to purchase a workbook simply called "Boundaries". I personally struggle with implementing boundaries in all aspects of my life. So I figured that would be a good place to start. However, unfortunately the workbook was the companion to another book, which my bookstore didn't offer. Well so much for that I thought... So I shelved the workbook and continued to pray. Then one day this week, i stumbled across this book again. I immediately started to read it and was amazed at what I read... it was EXACTLY what I had been needing to hear and read... it actually correlated almost verbatim with this series that my Pastor had just concluded at church. There are scripture references all up and throughout the book too! I was thrilled.... Since then I have read two chapters and they alone have made me want to jump up and down and shout out to the world that the road to purity is very easy and simple if only we would DECIDED that we want to flee sexual immorality! But those around me don't seem to be as excited as I am... So i realize that i just want someone to share this knowledge with... To discuss these things with. But, I guess I might be in a place where I have to allow God to bring that someone into my life. So I am gonna be content to allow Him to handle that. But in the meantime, I figured that I would keep a journal so that I could vent about things throughout this journey. I figure what better way to do so than to put it here where no one ever looks? So here it is... Journal entry #1... I know that God will allow me to be victorious with no slip=ups because that is what I am committed to do... I'm tired of the emptiness that I have continued to feel for so long. I am tired of going without real love... So i am changing everything, even my diet in order to allow God to re-work my life into what He wants it to be!

God Is So Good!

At times like these I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the things that God does... I know that I fall short very often... But I can see even in the midst of my struggles or trials, He is still good... What I perceive to be a trial, is just a lesson that God is giving me so that when he elevates me to my next level in life, I will be able to handle and appreciate it! There are many of these light bulb moments and as I look at my earlier blogs, I realize that I haven't acknowledged God for all of the many blessings that He has given to me.... I originally created this blog as a venting tool for me to express my innermost thoughts and feelings...And it has been instrumental in serving that purpose... but life for me is not simply filled with doubts and dissapointments, it is very joyful even though I have my fears... But God is growing me up and I feel that He is continuing to prepare me for the family that I long for so much... I realize that without the unshakeable faith and trust in God that is required for me to have a beautiful and healthy relationship with God, I can't foster and nourish a successful relationship with any man... So God has been putting my faith and trust in Him to the test in ways that I never imagined He would... And it has been refining me and stretching me! I know that I still have so far to go, but I claim every blessing that God has for me and I am amazed at how far God has taken me at the tender age of 22... I am so glad to have the blessings that I do have.... Which is my remarkable family and friends and church family... I have everything that i need to provide my daughter a comfortable life... So I AM SOOOOO BLESSED exceedingly and abundantly blessed.... I am so happy and I thank God for this joy i feel because this world didn't give it to me, therefore this world should not be able to take it away... It is my hope that going forward, i will hold on to my joy even in the eye of my storm, because God is still GOOD and I am so privileged to be a child of his... Hallelujah,

Kene Zyporah

Kene Zyporah/Kyra's Mama

I'm Kene Zyporah, Kyra's Mama... I watch Teen Mom faithfully and I must say that I am amazed at the drama that they go through. I know how it feels to be pregnant and alone... I have never identified with any woman or mother who has had support. That person to hold their hand or go visit the Doctor's office with them... That person to rub their growing belly or speak to/connect to the growing child inside... What I had was a volitale relationship similar to Kailyn and Jo's... More disagreements than peace... More drama than anticipation... It was so traumatic for so many reasons... But there are people around me who not only had that during their pregnancy, but who had the type of father for their child that WANTED to be around... but they WONT let him... That's crazy! Pure immaturity...Pure selfishness and a desire to maintain control... But i will say that there are two sides to EVERY story and sometimes, fathers just aren't ready to become Daddies and they would be counter-productive to the health and well-being of a child...for that reason, a mother is more than justified in protecting their child from that negative individual... Unfortunately, for me I was painted this picture of what to expect when i found out that I was going to have a baby...That picture never became a reality... Sometimes, i get so angry at what my situation is now with Kyra's father... noone has ever seen him and neither has Kyra... It hurts me so much that I have to be both Mommy and daddy... and I CANT do it... I can only be what a mommy is...I try to be balanced in general but this is a whole different type of balance... I hate that things are this way. Sometimes, I'm not sure that they will ever be different... I ponder on how i am going to accomplish raising a well-mannered, happy, and fulfilled child w/out a father... and it hits me, what if i fail? What if my daughter ends up resenting me for him not being here... I love her so much and i enjoy mothering her... I just dont want to do it alone...I want another child but I can't just go have a baby...i dont have the strength to do this again... Not this way... I want to experience a preganacy the way its supposed to be experienced... not lying alone and hurting inside... not having to look into the eyes a child that looks like the best of me and their father, only to never allow that child to behold their father's face... at this point, even if I was one of those mothers who deliberatly kept my daughter from her father (as in it was my choice), i couldnt change my mind and allow them to have relationship... He is too far gone... it was never my choice for him not be involved... He has chosen to be absentee... Which makes my heart hurt all the more... i loved him...I never tried to pish him away... and yet, he is unreacheable... he doesn't care... he refuses to make any efforts... Well I just pray for myself and for my daughter... I don't know what the purpose of this is in the bigger picture of my life or my daughter's life... But i hope that God fixes this problem because it affects me very much... I just want to be happy and have a family... I hope that God gives both of us a family one day soon... Sincerly, Kene Zyporah/Kyra's Mama